Not for sensitive eyes.... (or prude eyes for that matter)

First of all, do not rag on me for the photos I am about to post. If you can't handle seeing a woman in little to no clothing, stop reading now.

Okay, you're still with me, good stuff. This post is all about fat vs skinny. I'm sick and tired of seeing all these young girls, and grown women for that matter, fighting with eating disorders, crying themselves to sleep at night because they are "too fat" Fuck that! Curves are beautiful. Women, girls, you are all beautiful. Just because television and magazines and billboards all glamorize all skinny, thin, slender, whatever you want to call it, it does not, NOT, mean that big girls are ugly, nasty, undesirable, or anything of that matter.

This, my friends, is NOT the normal woman. I'm not saying that this woman is not beautiful, she is, but this is not the only size woman that is sexy. (And my personal opinion, I think she looks hungry)

Now....These lovely ladies are just as sexy as the one above.

So please, stop with the "I'm too fat" talk. Always remember, you are beautiful. And I'm not just saying that. Every single person I've ever met in my life I find something beautiful about them. I'm not talking personality, I'm saying that each and every person has something about their physical appearance that is beautiful.

If you think differently, please feel free to comment on this, and we can debate the one question.....

I'm just bitching.... again.

People who say or do shit for the soul purpose of provoking a reaction or for attention. This right here is one thing that bugs the fucking hell out of me. When people just say something to start a fight or to provoke someone. Fucking grow up, not only is this annoying it is fucking childish. Get a life and find some fucking self esteem you loser. You're not happy with yourself so you have to try to shit on other people to make them feel as shitty as you feel. It's fucking sick. Fuck that, look at your life and find things to smile about. If you don't have things to smile about, then just shut the fuck up and save the other people time of playing your bullshit "look at me I have to be the center of attention" games.

People who complain profusely when a fast food place or restaurant gets your order wrong. I understand making a point to return the wrong order, and get what you first wanted, and I understand that if you're a picky eater, it sucks, but it's not the end of the fucking world. And just because someone made a mistake on your order doesn't mean you have the right to talk down to the server... Maybe it was their fault, maybe it wasn't. And even if it was their fault it probably wasn't deliberate, but if you yell and scream like a fucking 2 year old, the next time is probably going to be deliberate and worse. It's like slapping your kid for spilling something. They're a fucking kid. They're gonna spill shit. It's your waiter or waitress, mistakes are going to be made. Don't be a total fucking asshole about it.

People who complain about the FREE  wi-fi being down, or being slow. Seriously, shut the fuck up and go home... or somewhere else. If you get internet at home that never has issues, then fucking go home and use it. Don't be a fucking douche bag and invade the ears and minds of everyone within ear shot of you.

People who say things like "There are too many movie trailers! Can’t we just see the movie?” Shut up! Movie trailers are awesome. If you don't want to watch them, wait for it to come out on DVD or blue-ray or whatever you might have, and skip to the menu. Plus, how the hell do you decide if you want to see a movie????

And lastly... for now anyways, mom made fried chicken, and I can smell it, it's close to being done....


Teen-Mom shows. Oh for crying out loud. Why the FUCK are we glamorizing teen pregnancy? I realize that the shows do not intend to make this out to be awesome and fun, but really most 15-16 year old girls see that shit and think "if I get pregnant I can be on t.v."

Love simply is.

Love. The four letter word that changes EVERYTHING! Even if you don't notice the things changing, it is. Everything changes once love is involved.Weather it is one sided, two sided or whatever, everything changes once it's there, once the word is spoken.

Love is the light that shines from every little nook and cranny of your heart, it is also the darkness that extinguishes that light. Love is a mended heart. Love is a broken heart. Love is a passion that I can not explain. Love is everything, and nothing at all. Love is lust. Love is desire. Love is family, friendship, and romance.

There is pain, sorrow, longing, and suffering. There is joy and happiness, pleasure and delight. Love is the tears in the middle of the night. Love is the arms wrapped around you, keeping you safe. Love is a kiss. Love is holding hands. Love is a smile. Love is the shining in one’s eyes.

Love is kind. it is also so very cruel. Love is not fair.

Love is roses of the deepest crimson red, the night of deepest darkest blue, the wind, all around, the deepest oceans and seas. Love is our blessing, and our sin. Love is virtue. Love is the forbidden fruit.

Love is lost.

Love is the chains that hold you.

Love is feeling the warmth of another. Love is the cold when that other is no longer there. Love is sacrifice, compromise, and understanding. Love is a fairytale. Love is a nightmare. Love is stupid and foolish. Love is wise. Love is a memory. Love is confusing. Love is crystal clear. Love is beyond death, beyond everything.

Love is light. Love is fire. Love is in the pulse of the earth and the crash of the waves, the hearts desire. Love is the in the stars, it's held by the moon.

Love simply is.

Jibberish.

Sometimes the days get to me. Today I'm reflecting and I'm thinking WAY too much. My mind is racing, and I feel all out of sorts. Luckily, I have this lovely space to type type type. I suppose it's all jibberish, but whatever. I am in need of something and I don't know what it is. Ever have those days??

I am a FIRM believer in everything happens for a reason. Everyone I meet, I meet them for a reason, everyone who enters my life is there for a reason. Everyone who leaves my life, is gone for a reason, and those who come back, they are there for a reason too. Lately, I've come back in contact with a few people I had lost connection with. I do suppose I can give a lot of that credit to facebook, but again I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. The trick is figuring out what the reason is. I'm happy for all of those re-connections. All of them.

But that's not really what's on my mind.... I'm feeling very ugh, very blah. Very miniscule. Like I said, I'm in need of something, I just don't know what it is. Maybe it's just my hormones (being all out of whack as they are right now) but I just feel out of place, I am in the wrong place, and I can't see the exit. What do I do? How do I fix it? Who knows. I don't.

So this is definitely different from what I usually post, and I apologize for that. I don't think I've even said fuck or son of a bitch or anything of the sort. Well, I'll post again soon.

Evaporation lines

So, just a word to the wise....



Ladies, if you are planning on taking a pregnancy test, do not buy the ones that use blue dye. I've read so much about these damn evaporation lines, my mind is spinning.

See, I took two pregnancy tests, and there were very, very faint positives. Well as it would turn out, those "positive" lines were in fact evaporation lines.

From what I have read, and what my doc told me today, the pregnancy tests that use blue dye suck! Use the pink dye ones or digital. Oh and FYI: DIGITAL TESTS ARE ONLY GOOD AFTER A MISSED VISIT FROM FLO! The sensitivity level is different, and it takes more of the HGC (pregnancy hormone) for the digital tests to work right.

Oh and a lot of websites will say that all evaporation lines are colorless or grey... NOT TRUE! Mine were VERY BLUE! And no, it does not always take the full 10 minutes or whatever for them to show up. I think that all depends on how you pee on the damn thing. 

BAD....





GOOD.....

 

Did you know.....

 PANDAS!

Female pandas ovulate only once a year, in the spring.

Like human females, there is only a short period of two to three days around ovulation that she is able to conceive.

A newborn cub weighs three to five ounces and is about the size of a stick of butter. Pink, hairless, and blind, the cub is 1/900th the size of its mother.

 

 

Other weird stuff..... 

 

A shrimp's heart is in it's head.

 

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

 

Humans spent about half an hour as a single cell. 

 

Deer can't eat hay.

 

 Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear any pants. 

 

 "Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order. 

 

 There is a city called Rome on every continent. 

 

 The first fully documented human blood transfusion was administered on June 15, 1667, by Dr. Jean-Baptiste Denys. He transfused the blood of a sheep into a 15-year-old boy, who survived the transfusion

 

 Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th." 

 

 Earth is the only planet not named after a god. 

 

 Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

 

 Polar bears are left-handed.

 

 After eating too much, your hearing is less sharp.

 Your eyes are always the same size from birth but your nose and ears never stop growing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What the fuck happend????

1900's

1910's

1920's

1930's

1940's

1950's

1960's

1970's

1980's

1990's

2000's

2010's

I think I've got this teenager thing figured out...

I think I've got this teenager thing figured out.... they have somehow crossed a wire in their brains, and for some reason cannot fathom that I was once a teenager. They somehow do not understand that these attempts to sneak out of the house, these "tricks" they think they can play, the shit they pull to try to get a rise outta me... when I was a teenager, I thought I was Queen Fucking Awesome too, I was positive that everything I did, my parents were oblivious to... I mean they had to be, "we" made that shit up, and of course, my parents were never teenagers! See, I'm sure that my parents came up with new ways to torment their parents... as did I. And yes, these little know-it-alls, they have come up with a few new things too....

Here's the bad part.... some of this shit works! And honestly, what pisses me off more than whatever they are doing at the time, is that it gets to me! I would love nothing more than to duct tape them to something. But NOOOO!!! I can't do that.

Which brings my next point.... What the fuck is this shit that you can't spank your kids? This is what is wrong with the new generation. They are not afraid of anything.... this is because they've never needed to be afraid. We can't even so much as smack their hand and say "no no" anymore. I'm actually glad my parents had me when they did.... it was still acceptable to swat your child on the ass if he or she was being a fucking brat.

Now, these little fuckers say things like "what are you gonna do? you can't hit me" and they do whatever the fuck they want. I'm not saying I think it's a good idea to like seriously beat your kid... but damn, a swat on the ass, a smack on the hand, it's not going to fucking hurt them. But it will show who is boss.

Kids are ALLOWED to go from ....

to this....

And that's the problem with "our future leaders". They all think they are the boss. And when they are made to do something they don't want to do, they just sit there and fucking pout about it.

And then we all wonder how we get things like....
  

 and this....

and of course....................................






And then it all turns into this.

Commercials

That commercial for “Flirty Girl” fitness…. The lady says “I’ve lost up to 33 pounds” …..

Huh? What do you mean by “up to”???? Did you lose 33 pounds then go eat a fucking ice cream cake for breakfast? Or are you reading from a script and no one notices when you fuck up what you are supposed to say?

The commercial for Hip-hop Abs… and Rockin Body…..

It’s the same guy, same price, and pretty much the same action. One says “lose up to 3 pants sizes and 3 inches off your waist in the first 5 days” the other says “lose up to 5 inches off your waist in the first 3 days” WHAT THE FUCK? I’m sure if this works I’ll look great for my funeral. 5 fucking inches in 3 days?? What the hell kind of shit do they want me to do? And really 3 pants sizes in in 5 days? Come on.

The commercial for Mid-West Title Loans…. The lady says “there was a bridge that I had to gap” ….

Shouldn’t this be “a gap I had to bridge”? How does no one notice this???

The commercial for the tablet… I can’t remember which one it is.

Says you can set a timer on it so your kids won’t be able to use it after a certain amount of time…. I mean this is cool…. But then it goes on to say that this will tell your child time is up, so you don’t have to. Oh that’s great. I don’t have to pay attention to what my kid is doing, because now, technology will do it for me. Why don’t I just get a robot babysitter while I’m at it, then I’d NEVER have to pay attention to my kid. Fucking lazy people. USE YOUR VOICE AND TELL YOUR KID TIMES UP!

These commercials are pissing me off.

Blueberry Muffins..... and all that.

So, like two months ago, we (Tim & I) were at the grocery store, and he saw a mix for blueberry muffins. He just HAD to have blueberry muffins.....  Three days ago, I was sitting at home, alone, and as I was searching for something yummy to eat, I see the muffin mix that Tim just had to have.... I made them. Fuck it right!? He obviously didn't want them as bad as he thought, and I wasn't going to eat them all.... Anyways, I made them, ate one and put the rest in the fridge. That night, I told him and the boys I had made blueberry muffins.... and there was one for each of them. Today.... they are all still in the fridge..................... ugh.

I don't know why this bothers me as much as it does.... but OMGOSH! it pisses me off!

Maybe its the hormones.

In general.....

I find that I say the same things over and over again.... people are fucking ridiculous. People make me sick to my stomach. PEOPLE ARE FUCKING FAKE! People are fucking dumb as shit.

So, I'm going to put out general statements, if you think they apply to you, well take it, or sign off my blog, I don't fucking care. If not, move on.

Don't act like you are my buddy then turn around and throw  me under the bus. Not only is this rude as fuck, but it makes you look like a fucking cunt bubble bitch to anyone who sees it.

Don't pretend you like me. If you don't fucking like someone, be real. I'm the type of person that will help out pretty much anyone in need, if I have the means to do so, and when I do help someone I don't care for, it don't make me fake, it makes me fucking human. I'm honest about my feelings.

If you are a professional.... fucking act like it. It's ok to get a little out of control sometimes, but if you want ANYONE to take you seriously, don't act like you are 15. It's fucking pathetic. 

Don't hang up on me. If you fucking have the time to dial my number, you have the time to say bye. If you don't, then fuck you, don't call me.

Don't EVER try to tell me I have to do something. This just pisses me off. Makes me want to look at you and say "bitch you aint the boss of me" like a potty mouth 5 year old.

You do not need 1/4 bottle of that body spray. Take a fucking shower once in a while. Gross.

Crack a fucking window if you smoke in my truck. Yes, I'm a smoker, but I smoke enough on my own, I do not need your second hand fucking poison, I will take care of my own demise.

Don't ask me if I have a bathroom. "nope we piss in the backyard like dogs"

Use your fucking brain.

Have respect for other people, especially you elders. We learn this shit as young children. If your parents didn't tell you to respect people, then go disrespect them, and just stay there.

Don't try to be something you're not. If you want to be something, become it. This usually involves some kind of work. Unless you want to be a fucking cracked out hooker, you are gonna have to make an effort.  

Alright guys, this is all you...

Guys, this is for YOU... 

 I realize that men and women do NOT think alike. At all.

I'm sure you've all realized this as well. So I think someone needs to tell ya'll what's cute, hot, sexy.. whatever and what is just down right CREEPY!

Winking & shooting your finger at us - totally creepy - not acceptable.

A cute smile and nod is ok.  Hungry eyes and a glaring smile - CREEPY!  We don't see things the way you do - it's not hot it's creepy - don't do it!

We don't want or need to hear about your awesome car. We probably don't care much, if at all.

For first meeting conversations, we care that you have a job, have a license & have a car to drive yourself where you need to be, that you don't live at home with your parents, and that you're straight,

We don't care about how many chicks you've banged.  Save that for the guys.  We really don't want to know.  Not only do we NOT want to hear about it - but we think it's gross & creepy. 

Don't EVER tell us you're superficial & will trade us in when we're 40 for 2 - 20 year olds!
You may be joking - but our brain immediately fast forwards to that time & we see ourselves years older, 30 lbs heavier with kids, a mortgage, bills to pay and then the dumb bastard gets a hair up his ass and runs off with his hot 20 something(who probably isn't that hot).

 

Even if I'm totally into you, this will send me the other fucking direction.

Also, don't start planning our future together the night we meet. This is fucking weird. You don't know me well enough for all that talk. Seriously. NO!

Boyish charm - very cute.  Needing to ask your mommy for approval of every decision you make as a grown man CREEPY.  Yes, we want you to love your mommy.  I know my son better love me forever, but does the name Norman Bates mean anything to you?

Honesty is always the best policy.  We'd rather be slapped with brutal honesty than lead along like puppies until we finally figure the shit out then we are back to where we started.


 Please fee free to pass this information on to the single men you may know who may desperately need it!

To my ladies, you're welcome!  If anyone's going to put it out there - you should have known it would be me!

People are fucking stupid.

What the fuck is wrong with people?

I'm talking about the ones who THRIVE on DRAMA! Ones who create bull-shit lies just to start drama, the ones who try to create rifts in other people lives...

WHY?!?!?! I don't understand.

Is it that you are bored, is there not enough excitement in your own life? Are you just hateful? Are you jealous? I mean come on, what's the fucking deal here?

People fucking make me sick. I mean seriously, I feel physically ill when I hear or see some of this shit.

Drama drama fucking drama.

Fuck you.

May 19, 2013. CD 22

May 19, 2013. Cycle Day 22

Still too early to test..... Only 5 days past ovulation. Ah.... the two week wait...

Well I have a doc. Appointment on Thursday, so they might be able to tell me then.... but that's only what.... 9 dpo, so who knows. I may still have to wait.

Well, I'm feeling very crampy and bloated. Like bad gas. But that's about it. I'm hopeful, but not getting my hopes up too much....


We'll see in a week or so.

Fingers Crossed xoxox

Month 1, day 10

First month of taking Clomid.... I'm on CD 10, so not ovulating yet....

By this time next week I could be pregnant. Fingers crossed!

I'm told to "think pregnant" and "act pregnant" before I get pregnant.... which means, taking prenatal vitamins, eating better, getting some healthy exercise, and I need to quit smoking....

Well, so far, I'm taking the vitamins, and eating better... kinda getting some exercise, but not enough. And so far no luck on the quitting smoking.. but I've deff. cut back, a lot.


I'm really excited. I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up too much, but I'm just so damn excited. Tim is pretty excited too, he's so sweet. He's like doing little things, and making little comments. Just too cute. But, I can tell he also isn't getting his hopes up too soon either. Although he isn't saying anything about it not working.... He's being very supportive.

I'm lucky.

I'm not letting anything, or anyone, stand in my way of happiness. No bull shit emails, texts, phone calls.... nothing.Say whatever you want. I know what's true and what's not.

Fucking Stalker Bitches

Ok look, I know whoever you are, you are straight up stalking all my shit, my blog, my facebook, probably my house and work too ya crazy fucking cunt. But here is a little news flash for ya...


Whoever you are, and I have a pretty good idea on that, you should know, that when you play with fire you will get burnt. And I my dear, am worse than fucking fire. I don't give two fucks if you see me coming, or who you are. This is it, I'll post this to facebook as well, your one and ONLY FUCKING warning, back the fuck away from me and MY FUCKING FAMILY or I will find out exactly who you are, and I will take care of this any way I see fit.

See people, I realize that the Internet is a place where anything you put here is free info, and sometimes people will use it against me, I know that, and I still choose to share my thoughts and feelings and journey with you all. But see even though I knew from the start, I still choose to do it. And that is my choice. I'm not out trying to get sympathy for what is happening now, and I am also choosing to only share bits of the story.... And I also do not need to be told how stupid it is to threaten someone via public posts, or how I should never let someone get to me like this.

I know. I don't fucking care.

So, Maggie, take the shit to court. You will only be proving that you are a fucking crazy bitch.

Any other crazy bitch that wants to start some trouble with me, you might want to think twice. I have no shame in saying I fight dirty. I will find the one thing that will hurt you the most, and I will fuck your shit all up. All I need is time.

I'm ready for this!

So, I'm on day 3 of my provera, 7 days to go, then shortly after that I'll be starting the Clomid (fertility drug) and soon after that I will be testing daily for ovulation. Then, well, we know what happens then.

I'm so excited, but a little scared.... ok alot scared it wont work. I mean I know it can take a while, and I can do up to 12 cycles on this medication, but I'm scared it just wont work.....

I went over all the side effects, all the risks, and I'm not worried about that. I'm just afraid after all of it, I still wont be a Mommy.

But, I'm excited about all of it. I welcome the side effects, the bloating, the hot flashes, the headaches, the nausea, the possible vomit. I don't care. It's well worth it.

Tim is excited as well, although he wont say it, I can see it. I know his worries, all of them, and I understand. But I know we will be good.

So, I'm really in my journey now.... And I'm a ball of emotions that even I can't fully explain....
But, it will all be worth it in the end, I'll be a Mother. And that's wonderful.

I think it's going to be a crazy ride, but I will get there. I'll try to keep updating when I can

:)

Hot flashes, mood swings, and bloating.

So, my new doctor has me taking hormones. They fucking suck. I feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust. I mean it's all part of the process, and get that, so I'm dealing with it. But FUCK! I really can't wait till this part is over. Ugh.

I'm moody, I'm hot, I'm crying, I'm happy, I'm yelling, I'm tired, I am freaking HOT! Wow. Like every hour or so, I feel like I'm on fire. Sounds great huh.

But other than that, life is good. I'm on my journey. I don't know how it's all going to go, but in the end, hopefully, I will be a mother. So it will all be worth it.


Stay tuned, I'm sure there will be more.

HERE I AM!

I'm still here, just haven't had time to write!

But, don't worry, I will write soon!

<3

State Aid....

Facebook... Someone posted a picture of a doctor today, with it a long story about him treating a person on medicare, and how he was pissed that she was on aid, while having tattoos, a cell phone, nice shoes and clothes, and smokes a pack a day.... He says if she can afford all of that, why should his taxes be paying for her health care??

While I agree that some people abuse state aid, I also know, from personal experience, that not EVERYONE ON AID IS USES THE SYSTEM!! This angers me. I spent some time on state aid, and while I was on it, I was either a full time college student, trying to get my life right, or I was working and making minimum wage. What pisses me off the most about all of this is, I have tattoos, nice things, good clothes, I smoke....

But here's the thing, and I should never have to explain this, but here and now I will....

Out of all of my tattoos, I paid for two of them myself. Some were gifts, my brother did a few for free, and my boyfriends brother did a few for free. The clothes I have, I've either had for years, or I bought them at a thrift store, or maybe just maybe I found an awesome deal and was able to treat myself with a nice shirt. I take pride in my appearance. I just bought a brand new pair of boots, Jennifer Lopez boots. They are amazing. Priced over $100, but I paid $20. You would not know that unless I told you. With all the ink on me, the piercings, the nice clothes, shoes, etc. a person could say that I "look" like I can afford to buy my own health care, but the truth is, when I go out dressed like that, I most likely only spent a few bucks here and there to get my wardrobe looking good.

I'm not on any kind of aid now, but when I was, I did get funny looks, and it fucking pissed me off. Just recently, I was doing my weekly food shopping at ALDI, I spent somewhere around $60 or so, paid with a hundred dollar bill. The lady behind me in line had some smart ass shit to say about if I have $100 why am I shopping at ALDI?? I work hard for my money, and so does my boyfriend, but we have a family to support, the state WONT help us, because they say we make too much money. But, we still struggle, we still go without.

My point is, although we have nice things, that doesn't mean that we are fucking made of money, or use the system. WE work hard, and sometimes we still need a little help. There should never be any shame in that. If you are looking down on someone for being on aid yet dressing nice and having a cell phone, SHAME ON YOU!

Ha ha ha, I lied.

But don't worry friends, and stalkers, if you got up to pee, I promise, all this will still be here when you get back.

Ok, sorry, I just had to. Anyways, I'm back on my rage path. I realize that alot of what I have to write about has to do with crazy bitches, or bad parenting, or both...

Well...

I don't understand how a parent can use their child just to get at someone. If you want to be a bitch and hurt someone, why use a child? Did that child do something to deserve being put in the middle? Are you to fucking stupid to understand that you are hurting the child?

Children should never be forced to choose between parents.

If the two of you could at one time be close enough to bump each others uglies, then for fucks sake, grow up an get along. Not only is it only hurting the child, or children involved, but don't you think life would be much less stressful if you two would stop?? I do. I also think that the two parents would communicate better when it comes to the child(ren)

I know it will never happen for some people, and that really makes me sad for the kids, and I kinda wanna bitch smack parents.

Deep thoughts tonight...

There are many people, women and men that become parents without effort, without thought, without patience or loss. Sometimes I feel angry, and jealous of these people. But, I know I will be a great mother. Not because of genetics or money or that I have read more books, or that I am better than any parent that loves and cares for their baby, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and I prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. And I continue to do so, day after day. And I wont stop.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to get where they want to be.

I will notice everything about my child . I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover, I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life. I will welcome being woke in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him or her and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, or cry any more tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

Honestly, I should count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. I will be a mother, this is what I was born to be. And I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, a better girlfriend, friend and a sister because I have known pain. I know disappointment, setback, frustration, and all this pain, the lack of faith and hope. I know all of this because I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tired by the fire and hell many never face. So now, when others hurt around me I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs,listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can try to make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding mine, of other eyes that cry, as they try to learn to accept the harsh truth, the pain of when life is not fair, when life seems to be hell. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes and, I have learn to appreciate life in ways that I honestly can not explain.

So, if there is ever someone out there that thinks that my choice to become a mother is wrong, no matter who may or may not decide to be there, take a look at your own life, and tell me, have you ever walked in my shoes? Do you know the pain and the emptiness I know? If you did, have, or do, you would know to never tell me I'm wrong for dreaming of having a child to give my love to.

If there is ever a time that you think I can not do this, please remember these words, I will. Even though I've been forced to wait, I will be a better mother for it.

Life's not fair

I recently said, in a joking manner, "I always get what I want". And then I thought about it, the truth is, I usually do. Getting what I want has nothing to do with being some spoiled stuck up bitch. I work my ass off, every day, to get the things I want. I do not rely on other people to get me the things I want.

This brought me to thinking about the people who do nothing, and yet they still bitch and cry about not having the things they want.... Oh and of course, the ones who once had the things they wanted, but then pissed them away.

If you don't get off your ass, and do some fucking work, how can you feel accomplished enough to enjoy the things you get?

Someone I know was actually crying to me about shit not being fair. I had to hold back not only my laughter, but also the urge to smack them upside the fucking head.

No, dumb ass, life isn't fair. This person actually said to ME of all people, "your life is easy, you get the things you want"

Are you fucking kidding me? My life is far from easy, it's not the worst life, but it's certainly not fucking easy. I get the things I want in life by working hard, and not giving up. That's how my Mama and Papa raised me. They did not raise me to be a fucking cry baby.

Every time I come across a person who cries and whines about life not being fair, I silently thank my parents. For every time I threw a fucking tantrum because I didn't get what I wanted, and screamed "THAT'S NOT FAIR" an to which they replied to me "Lindsay, life is not fair." They never gave into me when I was being a whiny little bitch.

So, to my Mom and Dad, Thank you, for teaching me to not be a whiny little bitch. And thank you for teaching me the REAL way to get what I want out of life.

And to those who think that if you sit long enough, if you cry hard enough, shit will just appear to you the way you want it to, grow the fuck up. Put you big boy/girl pants on, and do your own fucking work.

Life's not fair.

A little bit of everything.

Bitches need to stay the fuck outta my way. Seriously gonna hurt a bitch.

Stupid bitches piss me off. You bitch about wanting to be happy and find someone decent, but then you fuck around and act like a fucking idiot.

Pizza rolls. Ugh. I'm over this shit. Really? Some people don't understand what a fucking pizza roll is.

No, I do not want some dirty scruffy fucking douche bag to buy me a drink. I have a job, I'll buy my own shit, thanks. And, NO, I will not show you my tits... STOP FUCKING ASKING ME! If you wanna see tits and spend money on bitches you don't know, go to the fucking strip club.

Hawiian pizza does not have fucking coconut on it. Dumb ass. Don't argue with me. I make this shit all day.

Oh, I almost forgot.... I am fucking amazing, so fuck you if you don't think so.

And no, I don't fucking care if I mis-spelled anything. If you can't figure it out, fuck you. And if you want to point out my mistake just to be a cuntdrip, fuck you too. And yes I said cuntdrip.

done.

fucking fatal attraction

Why do people hold onto shit that is so obviously OVER? I mean, really, it makes a person, man or woman, look very pathetic. If something don't fucking work, then it don't fucking work. Period. Let go, and give not only the other person, but yourself too, a chance to find something that will work. I realize that you can still care about a person after it's over, but really, if you are trying to force it to work when it's just wrong, all you are doing is making yourself and the other person miserable. And if you really give a fuck about that persons happiness, then why in the hell would you try to make things hard on them? I guess maybe I just don't understand. I mean when shits over, it's just plain fucking over.

When a couple has been together for anything less than like a year, and they have no ties, such as children together, when the relationshit is just that, shit, wouldn't it be better to just walk away? I mean, if the two people can be friends, well great. But, again, if either of the people are going to fucking idiots, or jealous fucking crazy people, I think I would rather just walk away, clean and simple.

I realize it's hard to be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for, so what I'm saying is, if you can't be a big girl, or big boy, and deal with the fact that EVERYONE has a right to try to find someone that they CAN be happy with, then just walk away. If you get pissy and throw a fucking tantrum when you see the shit, you probably shouldn't be within  view. And if you are going to try to make the other person jealous, in hopes that they will "see what they are missing" You are as nutty as fucking squirrel shit. Seriously, that VERY RARELY works.

Ex's are ex's for a fucking reason. Grow up, and deal with your fucking fatal attraction at home.

Thanks for reading. ;)

Oh fuck, the CAPS fight!!!

Why do people think CAPSLOCK means they are "yelling" at another person? I mean to the point that it should hurt my feelings if you type in all CAPS....

FUCK YOU!!!

Now, did that hurt your feelings anymore than....

fuck you!!!

I doubt it. And if it did, I'm sorry, but you seriously should talk to someone about this. Using your "yelling" font does not make me think you are gonna knock on my door and junk punch me. I mean, if I'm gonna bitch slap a mother fucker, I'm going to use my hand and their face... not by typing fucking capital letters on the Internet. Fucking ridiculous.

Day #1

Well I wasn't going to post this yet, since I don't really know who all reads my nonsense... But I'm going to anyways. I'm ready to start my journey, and let anyone who wants to know about it along with me :)


Today marks the beginning of my new life. I'm going to try to have a baby. Yes, I said it, and yes you read that right. I'm going to try to have a baby. It's not something that will come easy for me, because of the PCOS... for those that don't know, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome when I was like 17, and have struggled with the painful and annoying symptoms ever since. The worst symptom of all is not physical the pain though, for me anyways. It the infertility that comes along with it. My desire to be a mother is very strong, and it tears me up inside that I haven't been able to conceive thus far.

Remember, I'm 28 now... I'm not getting any younger. I wish. I've decided to do this now because I don't want to keep putting it off for the perfect time, and find out it's just too late. That would devastate me. I'm not willing to wait any longer. It may take a few years, and I don't want to have a new baby when I'm 40. Plus, I'm getting pretty close to the age of risky pregnancy anyways, not that I don't already have enough obstacles.

Anyways, I've decided to share this with whoever might read because, honestly, I just don't want to hold it in anymore. And, again, I don't know who reads this stuff, so maybe my journey to become a mother could help someone else who struggles.

I'm happy. I'm scared. But, this is just day one. Time to change some of my lifestyle around and get my body baby ready!!

:) :)

Love what you got!

Over the past few months I've been thinking a lot about what I want, what I need, where I want/need my life to go... I've carefully thought about which road I should go down, and who I wish to bring along on my journey. My emotions have given me a lot to think about, I fucking loathe emotions sometimes. But the heart truly does want what it wants. Although, sometimes we have to just put that aside. Not because we want to, or because it's better that way, but because we know that realistically, it's just not going to happen.

I'd love to live in my dream land, where everything is perfect, and I'm always happy. Sadly, that's not going to happen. My life is not perfect, far from it. And I doubt that your world is perfect either. The trick is, finding your perfection in what you have. And of course, you have what you make for yourself. There have been a ton of speed bumps in my road, and I'm sure there will be more.

I've come to realize that what I wish isn't going to happen. At least not at this time. Will it ever happen? Hell I don't know. I'm a believer of everything happens for a reason, same goes for what doesn't happen. And I think I am beginning to understand why certain things in my life have happened, and haven't happened.

I suppose my advice is simple, love what you have, make your perfection. If something is in your way, overcome whatever it is. Shit will probably never be easy, so work hard for what you want, and for what you need. It will only make us stronger. I think this applies to just about any situation.

"Hey baby show me your tits"

Why is it that when people get drunk, they say things to people they wouldn't normally say? "hey baby, can I see your tits" is not the way to start off good with someone. No, dickhead, you may not. I really don't understand. Is there some kind of man-thought that says that women with big tits are gonna show 'em just because they want to see? And really, what's the big deal? Oh, I forgot, men, no matter their age, are all fucking horny little bastards. And apparently, if shown even just a little side boob, they freak out and blow a load. It's nasty really. And sad. I don't fucking get the "O~face" if I see a penis..... actually I think that is gross. I'd rather not look at them.

I suppose when I see a man that I am highly attracted to it might get me going a bit, but I'm not all like "hey hot stuff, show me your cock" I think that would be just a bit on the trashy side. Do women just have like uber self control? Or is it just me? No, I don't hear other women, non whores, talk like that. Drunk or not.

I'm like one of the most vulgar women I know... does that even make sense? But anyways, I don't do that shit. It's trashy.

So, next time you are all drunk and see me out and about, please, don't ask me to show you my tits. Chances are, I'm going to hit you.

Moving On...

I've made the desision to move to the next level with my life. And I'm not going to wait on anyone else's approval, I'm not waiting on anyone for anything anymore. I can't say I was really waiting for approval, it was more that I wanted things to be perfect.

But things are never going to be perfect. I know better than that. Waiting on perfection, I'll never get there. So, I'm moving forward.

I think it's going to be hard, all of it, but that's life. And, this is something I want more than anything, so I will try my best, I will do whatever it takes, if it can happen, I will make it happen. It's not going to come easy, I know that. But, no matter the obsticles that are put in my way, I will push on. And I wont give up.

Not much detail as to what I'm talking about here, I know. There will be. When I'm fully ready to tell my story. Trust me, there is more to come.

;)

Mushy squishy Monday...

Life is bliss and misery mixed. Perhaps we wouldn't know one without the other. In life, we will get our hearts broken, we will feel grief and loss. We will also become confident and clear minded. We will feel profound joy and love and laughter, we will feel awe, respect, humility.... I think this is how we know we are alive and human. And, then we want to give others the chance to feel the same.

Loving another person is not about anything material, or physical, it's not about sex, or money, or fame. Love is about knowing a person, trusting them, and connecting with them on levels that are unseen to strangers. Love has no time frame, no restraints. Love is kind and beautiful. Pure. A silvery gold flame that burns inside each one of us. We just sometimes aren't brave enough to let it shine. Love itself, does not hurt, lie, or deceive. Love is not earthbound.

Love is everything good. A spiritual and joyous connection that never fades........

A little poetry...

Something I wrote a while ago... my thoughts and emotions are seriously on some weird speed of lightining trip today....

My brain is tripping, and stumbling
I try to grasp on to something
My hands flail, As I sit here
But nothing comes to mind
No rope to hold, Again and again
Your face, So serene
Flashes briefly across my subconscious
Change of CD
Music once again fills my ears
Irish accent fills the air
Melodic and soothing
Do you have to let it linger? Maybe I do
When will you tell me? When you want it to?
Will you? Cant think of words to say
Everything comes out all wrong
Sentences all screwed up. Words make no sense
As I try in vain to organize. I can’t tell you yet
Still not the time. But if it were what would I say?
Linger, Linger
Please, Let me collect my thoughts