Deep thoughts tonight...

There are many people, women and men that become parents without effort, without thought, without patience or loss. Sometimes I feel angry, and jealous of these people. But, I know I will be a great mother. Not because of genetics or money or that I have read more books, or that I am better than any parent that loves and cares for their baby, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and I prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. And I continue to do so, day after day. And I wont stop.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to get where they want to be.

I will notice everything about my child . I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover, I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life. I will welcome being woke in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him or her and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, or cry any more tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

Honestly, I should count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. I will be a mother, this is what I was born to be. And I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, a better girlfriend, friend and a sister because I have known pain. I know disappointment, setback, frustration, and all this pain, the lack of faith and hope. I know all of this because I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tired by the fire and hell many never face. So now, when others hurt around me I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs,listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can try to make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding mine, of other eyes that cry, as they try to learn to accept the harsh truth, the pain of when life is not fair, when life seems to be hell. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes and, I have learn to appreciate life in ways that I honestly can not explain.

So, if there is ever someone out there that thinks that my choice to become a mother is wrong, no matter who may or may not decide to be there, take a look at your own life, and tell me, have you ever walked in my shoes? Do you know the pain and the emptiness I know? If you did, have, or do, you would know to never tell me I'm wrong for dreaming of having a child to give my love to.

If there is ever a time that you think I can not do this, please remember these words, I will. Even though I've been forced to wait, I will be a better mother for it.