Deep thoughts tonight...

There are many people, women and men that become parents without effort, without thought, without patience or loss. Sometimes I feel angry, and jealous of these people. But, I know I will be a great mother. Not because of genetics or money or that I have read more books, or that I am better than any parent that loves and cares for their baby, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and I prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. And I continue to do so, day after day. And I wont stop.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to get where they want to be.

I will notice everything about my child . I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover, I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life. I will welcome being woke in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him or her and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, or cry any more tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

Honestly, I should count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. I will be a mother, this is what I was born to be. And I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, a better girlfriend, friend and a sister because I have known pain. I know disappointment, setback, frustration, and all this pain, the lack of faith and hope. I know all of this because I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tired by the fire and hell many never face. So now, when others hurt around me I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs,listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can try to make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding mine, of other eyes that cry, as they try to learn to accept the harsh truth, the pain of when life is not fair, when life seems to be hell. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes and, I have learn to appreciate life in ways that I honestly can not explain.

So, if there is ever someone out there that thinks that my choice to become a mother is wrong, no matter who may or may not decide to be there, take a look at your own life, and tell me, have you ever walked in my shoes? Do you know the pain and the emptiness I know? If you did, have, or do, you would know to never tell me I'm wrong for dreaming of having a child to give my love to.

If there is ever a time that you think I can not do this, please remember these words, I will. Even though I've been forced to wait, I will be a better mother for it.

Life's not fair

I recently said, in a joking manner, "I always get what I want". And then I thought about it, the truth is, I usually do. Getting what I want has nothing to do with being some spoiled stuck up bitch. I work my ass off, every day, to get the things I want. I do not rely on other people to get me the things I want.

This brought me to thinking about the people who do nothing, and yet they still bitch and cry about not having the things they want.... Oh and of course, the ones who once had the things they wanted, but then pissed them away.

If you don't get off your ass, and do some fucking work, how can you feel accomplished enough to enjoy the things you get?

Someone I know was actually crying to me about shit not being fair. I had to hold back not only my laughter, but also the urge to smack them upside the fucking head.

No, dumb ass, life isn't fair. This person actually said to ME of all people, "your life is easy, you get the things you want"

Are you fucking kidding me? My life is far from easy, it's not the worst life, but it's certainly not fucking easy. I get the things I want in life by working hard, and not giving up. That's how my Mama and Papa raised me. They did not raise me to be a fucking cry baby.

Every time I come across a person who cries and whines about life not being fair, I silently thank my parents. For every time I threw a fucking tantrum because I didn't get what I wanted, and screamed "THAT'S NOT FAIR" an to which they replied to me "Lindsay, life is not fair." They never gave into me when I was being a whiny little bitch.

So, to my Mom and Dad, Thank you, for teaching me to not be a whiny little bitch. And thank you for teaching me the REAL way to get what I want out of life.

And to those who think that if you sit long enough, if you cry hard enough, shit will just appear to you the way you want it to, grow the fuck up. Put you big boy/girl pants on, and do your own fucking work.

Life's not fair.

A little bit of everything.

Bitches need to stay the fuck outta my way. Seriously gonna hurt a bitch.

Stupid bitches piss me off. You bitch about wanting to be happy and find someone decent, but then you fuck around and act like a fucking idiot.

Pizza rolls. Ugh. I'm over this shit. Really? Some people don't understand what a fucking pizza roll is.

No, I do not want some dirty scruffy fucking douche bag to buy me a drink. I have a job, I'll buy my own shit, thanks. And, NO, I will not show you my tits... STOP FUCKING ASKING ME! If you wanna see tits and spend money on bitches you don't know, go to the fucking strip club.

Hawiian pizza does not have fucking coconut on it. Dumb ass. Don't argue with me. I make this shit all day.

Oh, I almost forgot.... I am fucking amazing, so fuck you if you don't think so.

And no, I don't fucking care if I mis-spelled anything. If you can't figure it out, fuck you. And if you want to point out my mistake just to be a cuntdrip, fuck you too. And yes I said cuntdrip.

done.

fucking fatal attraction

Why do people hold onto shit that is so obviously OVER? I mean, really, it makes a person, man or woman, look very pathetic. If something don't fucking work, then it don't fucking work. Period. Let go, and give not only the other person, but yourself too, a chance to find something that will work. I realize that you can still care about a person after it's over, but really, if you are trying to force it to work when it's just wrong, all you are doing is making yourself and the other person miserable. And if you really give a fuck about that persons happiness, then why in the hell would you try to make things hard on them? I guess maybe I just don't understand. I mean when shits over, it's just plain fucking over.

When a couple has been together for anything less than like a year, and they have no ties, such as children together, when the relationshit is just that, shit, wouldn't it be better to just walk away? I mean, if the two people can be friends, well great. But, again, if either of the people are going to fucking idiots, or jealous fucking crazy people, I think I would rather just walk away, clean and simple.

I realize it's hard to be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for, so what I'm saying is, if you can't be a big girl, or big boy, and deal with the fact that EVERYONE has a right to try to find someone that they CAN be happy with, then just walk away. If you get pissy and throw a fucking tantrum when you see the shit, you probably shouldn't be within  view. And if you are going to try to make the other person jealous, in hopes that they will "see what they are missing" You are as nutty as fucking squirrel shit. Seriously, that VERY RARELY works.

Ex's are ex's for a fucking reason. Grow up, and deal with your fucking fatal attraction at home.

Thanks for reading. ;)

Oh fuck, the CAPS fight!!!

Why do people think CAPSLOCK means they are "yelling" at another person? I mean to the point that it should hurt my feelings if you type in all CAPS....

FUCK YOU!!!

Now, did that hurt your feelings anymore than....

fuck you!!!

I doubt it. And if it did, I'm sorry, but you seriously should talk to someone about this. Using your "yelling" font does not make me think you are gonna knock on my door and junk punch me. I mean, if I'm gonna bitch slap a mother fucker, I'm going to use my hand and their face... not by typing fucking capital letters on the Internet. Fucking ridiculous.

Day #1

Well I wasn't going to post this yet, since I don't really know who all reads my nonsense... But I'm going to anyways. I'm ready to start my journey, and let anyone who wants to know about it along with me :)


Today marks the beginning of my new life. I'm going to try to have a baby. Yes, I said it, and yes you read that right. I'm going to try to have a baby. It's not something that will come easy for me, because of the PCOS... for those that don't know, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome when I was like 17, and have struggled with the painful and annoying symptoms ever since. The worst symptom of all is not physical the pain though, for me anyways. It the infertility that comes along with it. My desire to be a mother is very strong, and it tears me up inside that I haven't been able to conceive thus far.

Remember, I'm 28 now... I'm not getting any younger. I wish. I've decided to do this now because I don't want to keep putting it off for the perfect time, and find out it's just too late. That would devastate me. I'm not willing to wait any longer. It may take a few years, and I don't want to have a new baby when I'm 40. Plus, I'm getting pretty close to the age of risky pregnancy anyways, not that I don't already have enough obstacles.

Anyways, I've decided to share this with whoever might read because, honestly, I just don't want to hold it in anymore. And, again, I don't know who reads this stuff, so maybe my journey to become a mother could help someone else who struggles.

I'm happy. I'm scared. But, this is just day one. Time to change some of my lifestyle around and get my body baby ready!!

:) :)

Love what you got!

Over the past few months I've been thinking a lot about what I want, what I need, where I want/need my life to go... I've carefully thought about which road I should go down, and who I wish to bring along on my journey. My emotions have given me a lot to think about, I fucking loathe emotions sometimes. But the heart truly does want what it wants. Although, sometimes we have to just put that aside. Not because we want to, or because it's better that way, but because we know that realistically, it's just not going to happen.

I'd love to live in my dream land, where everything is perfect, and I'm always happy. Sadly, that's not going to happen. My life is not perfect, far from it. And I doubt that your world is perfect either. The trick is, finding your perfection in what you have. And of course, you have what you make for yourself. There have been a ton of speed bumps in my road, and I'm sure there will be more.

I've come to realize that what I wish isn't going to happen. At least not at this time. Will it ever happen? Hell I don't know. I'm a believer of everything happens for a reason, same goes for what doesn't happen. And I think I am beginning to understand why certain things in my life have happened, and haven't happened.

I suppose my advice is simple, love what you have, make your perfection. If something is in your way, overcome whatever it is. Shit will probably never be easy, so work hard for what you want, and for what you need. It will only make us stronger. I think this applies to just about any situation.

"Hey baby show me your tits"

Why is it that when people get drunk, they say things to people they wouldn't normally say? "hey baby, can I see your tits" is not the way to start off good with someone. No, dickhead, you may not. I really don't understand. Is there some kind of man-thought that says that women with big tits are gonna show 'em just because they want to see? And really, what's the big deal? Oh, I forgot, men, no matter their age, are all fucking horny little bastards. And apparently, if shown even just a little side boob, they freak out and blow a load. It's nasty really. And sad. I don't fucking get the "O~face" if I see a penis..... actually I think that is gross. I'd rather not look at them.

I suppose when I see a man that I am highly attracted to it might get me going a bit, but I'm not all like "hey hot stuff, show me your cock" I think that would be just a bit on the trashy side. Do women just have like uber self control? Or is it just me? No, I don't hear other women, non whores, talk like that. Drunk or not.

I'm like one of the most vulgar women I know... does that even make sense? But anyways, I don't do that shit. It's trashy.

So, next time you are all drunk and see me out and about, please, don't ask me to show you my tits. Chances are, I'm going to hit you.

Moving On...

I've made the desision to move to the next level with my life. And I'm not going to wait on anyone else's approval, I'm not waiting on anyone for anything anymore. I can't say I was really waiting for approval, it was more that I wanted things to be perfect.

But things are never going to be perfect. I know better than that. Waiting on perfection, I'll never get there. So, I'm moving forward.

I think it's going to be hard, all of it, but that's life. And, this is something I want more than anything, so I will try my best, I will do whatever it takes, if it can happen, I will make it happen. It's not going to come easy, I know that. But, no matter the obsticles that are put in my way, I will push on. And I wont give up.

Not much detail as to what I'm talking about here, I know. There will be. When I'm fully ready to tell my story. Trust me, there is more to come.

;)

Mushy squishy Monday...

Life is bliss and misery mixed. Perhaps we wouldn't know one without the other. In life, we will get our hearts broken, we will feel grief and loss. We will also become confident and clear minded. We will feel profound joy and love and laughter, we will feel awe, respect, humility.... I think this is how we know we are alive and human. And, then we want to give others the chance to feel the same.

Loving another person is not about anything material, or physical, it's not about sex, or money, or fame. Love is about knowing a person, trusting them, and connecting with them on levels that are unseen to strangers. Love has no time frame, no restraints. Love is kind and beautiful. Pure. A silvery gold flame that burns inside each one of us. We just sometimes aren't brave enough to let it shine. Love itself, does not hurt, lie, or deceive. Love is not earthbound.

Love is everything good. A spiritual and joyous connection that never fades........

A little poetry...

Something I wrote a while ago... my thoughts and emotions are seriously on some weird speed of lightining trip today....

My brain is tripping, and stumbling
I try to grasp on to something
My hands flail, As I sit here
But nothing comes to mind
No rope to hold, Again and again
Your face, So serene
Flashes briefly across my subconscious
Change of CD
Music once again fills my ears
Irish accent fills the air
Melodic and soothing
Do you have to let it linger? Maybe I do
When will you tell me? When you want it to?
Will you? Cant think of words to say
Everything comes out all wrong
Sentences all screwed up. Words make no sense
As I try in vain to organize. I can’t tell you yet
Still not the time. But if it were what would I say?
Linger, Linger
Please, Let me collect my thoughts

Someone always gets hurt.

I like to think of myself as a pretty realistic, logical person. I mean, I know when and where my emotions are allowed, and where I should keep them to myself.... For the most part.
But I am human, and I do have feelings. And, when I feel that it is ok to open up and talk about my feelings, I like to share them with others. Especially feelings of love and kindness. (I'm not going to say I don't share the bad ones too, because sometimes I do.) I like to feel safe enough in a place and time to share with someone I care about... I don't think this is a bad thing at all....

Now, sometimes, my intuition is wrong, sometimes I feel safe enough to express my feelings, and somehow it back fires, and I end up feeling foolish and embarrassed. I think this can all go back to that blog I wrote about being honest about what it is you want from someone. I think that, in any relationship (romantic, sexual, friendship, any relationship) you should be up front and totally clear on what you want. It's like when you go into business with someone, you have to be clear on what you want out of the situation, and who plays what role. Same goes for personal relationships. If all you want from someone if friendship, you need to make sure that person knows, from the start. Feelings do sometimes come out of no where, and you can't control it. So, when you know EXACTLY what the relationship is about, you know your boundaries. You know what is ok, and what is out of line.

When you are in a complicated situation, like say, you are friends with someone, who you have a physical relationship with, and you somehow develop feelings, like deep emotions, for this person, it's good to know where you stand with them. If you don't know, you will probably get drunk and blurt out your feelings, and then who knows what will happen to the friendship.

Everything may seem ok on the outside, but the truth is, it's probably not. One person is left feeling uncomfortable because she expressed herself, and even though she might be, like me, a logical realistic person, there is still that little part of her that feels heartbroken. And it's nothing that anyone can control.

I don't really know what the other person is left with, or if the other person even knows that inside, the person is hurting, and wanting more than she is willing to say.

Someone always gets hurt when there is a lack of honesty and clarity.

Be honest with the people you share your life with. No matter the type of partnership you share, always let the people around you know where they stand in your life.